What have I done?

Well everyone I've done it. I have done thing thing I have never wanted to do. I hurt the person I love. I am causing all these bad things to happen and I feel like shit, and I should feel like shit. I feel like scum. If you hurt the person you have or had feelings for your basically saying your an asshole. That's exactly what I have done though! I feel terrible since I'm causing her stress and she's sick. She really doesn't need this right now. She doesn't and I feel terrible. I just want her to feel better and be happy, but I think the only way for that to happen is if I get out of her life. I really don't want to get out of her life because I still do love her. If you truly do love somebody 110% you should be willing to let go of everything that person has done to you and get on with your future. I still do love her so much. I want her to get better soon, but I don't want to step out of her life. I still want to be her friend and maybe best friend one day. Just at this moment in time if I don't stop talking to her I'm just going to cause her more pain and cause more pain to myself. My friend I have been talking to lately says maybe I need to see her in person one more time to let go. See her one more time so that I can tell her all the things I'm feeling face to face. This sounds like something she said to me around our 3 month anniversary. When she had to meet her past love at the mall. I am starting to think I am like him. He was suicidal for a while to talking about how he was going to kill himself with carbon monoxide and stuff. Ugh. I just want to still be her friend, and maybe one day we can be together again. I have fucked up everything so mad though. EVERYTHING! I have destroyed everything we had. I texted her the night after we broke up. I was talking to her on the phone and by the end of the night everything was fine. I texted her saying I loved her and I was sorry for everything I have done. She replied by telling me she still loved me and cared for me still. Last night though we were talking and everything was fine by the end of the night. I texted her that I loved her. She never replied back. That got me. It's stupid how little things get me. Like when she changed her myspace so quick and how she seemed so happy after the break up. Why am I like this? I need to change myself. I need to think more before I say or do something. I don't want to fuck up more in my life. I just want to be happy. I really REALLY want to be happy. I know to be happy I have to let her go, but then I can't because I still want to be her friend. If we are just friends I know I'm always going to love her and it will hurt me because I know she won't love me like I love her. Life... Life is just so difficult. There is pain, love, jealousy, and all these different emotions in it that build us and destroy us. Right now. Where I stand. I think that all emotions are diseases of the heart. All emotions people feel usually end up hurting them. Like... Hate. Hate grows into strong, negative feelings towards somebody and no matter how bad you try to keep it to yourself your going to tell somebody one day and they are going to spill the beans then drama will happen. You might love a person the get jealous because they danced with somebody else or they have emotions towards somebody else. That emotion destroyed me. I am so dumb. That is what infects me. Jealousy. I need to just stop. If I don't rid this infection I will never go anywhere in a relationship. Am I really jealous though or do I just want things to last forever? I really don't know. The bottom line though to this is that I am sorry. I am sorry to you (you know who you are). I am sorry I am causing you all this pain and all this stress. I am sorry I have brought this to far. I really am. I won't hurt myself anymore, or I will try not to. If I keep thinking about you I'm going to keep getting hurt. Maybe we do need to see each other one more time. Even though I really don't want to since I know I'm going to be tempted to give you a hug and kiss I know it will help me move on. It is going to be one of the hardest things in my life to do. Well. I'm done talking about how pitiful I am. I hope you understand where I am coming from. Don't stop being beautiful. -drewkiimon

Thinking...

It has been a few days since I lost her. It hurts me every day to know how one action can turn your world upside down and destroy it. Yes, there are a lot of girls in the sea. My sister told me I only deserve the best that day at her graduation. I told her "I wouldn't have anything less." Gosh. I just wish I could walk back in time and change all the things I have done wrong. Like telling my mom I hated her the night before she died and letting those be the very last words I ever told her. Stop myself to tell the person I love to stop doing something. I think I am unselfish, but at the same time I do. We are all selfish and no one can deny that. That's how this world works. We are born into this world alone, we leave alone, and that's how we learn to be selfish. A lot of people tell the people they "love" that they would give themselves up to save their life. If you have ever said that you might of said it because you really meant it, or just to make the other person feel that you care a lot for them. Here's another example. You work at a dump and you get a lady knocking at your office door. She tells you her daughter has just threw away her sofa with all her life savings in it which is a little over one million dollars. You, the garbage man/lady, say that if you find it you will give it back. If you would say you would give it back you are either the nicest person in the world, or your just full of shit. The story I just told you was real. No joke. I read it up. But the point is, a lot of people in our world tell little white lies that end up growing into big things that hurt people. I know no one really wants to hurt anyone and when you do it's by accident. I know I don't want to hurt anybody, but unfortunately I did and it caused my world to crumble. I have been hurt and loved the past five months of my life, and I don't regret anything. "If you really do love somebody you would spend the rest of your life with them." That quote is from my good friend Nancy who opened my eyes. "Be strong. There are many girls out their, you just haven't found her yet." That quote is from the lady I met at Safeway that touched my heart. "Nothing at your age lasts very long. When girls get to senior year that's when they start to get serious." That is from Garland, the person I met at my work today. All these people gave me so many helpful lines even though I told them so little. When I met the lady at Safeway today I told her about everything I felt. She told me she has gone through so much heartbreak in her life and she knew how I felt. She just told me all these things about all the girls in the world and how there is always that special person out their that was made for you. That lady touched my heart. Every time you meet somebody, no matter for how long, they always impact you, no matter how small or even if you don't think so. Trust me. I have been talking to random people off the street that asked me "are you okay?" In this world their are a handful of people that aren't selfish and they put others in front of themselves. That's what I did and I ended up getting hurt. I am slowly learning that life is too short to morn over a girl. That's what Garland told me today. He told me that it isn't good to stress over ONE girl especially at my age. Gosh, he impacted me, so did the lady in Safeway, and so did the people that gave called me and IMed me asking me if I was okay the day she broke up with me. Thank you all the people that understand me and care for me. I love you sister Ira. I love you bro Dana, Drew, and my weird, eating friend Tiffany. You all mean so much to me. Right now though, I just want to say something. Drew, you are a great guy. Don't forget that. You are AWESOME! I know your gong to be a great dad one day and have a great girl because you only deserve the best. Me, I deserve better than how I have been treated in my life. Sister Ira, I love you soooo much! Even though we have our fights and such, you still are the best. You make me happy when I'm down, and you make me want to run to your house when your sick or sad to make you feel better. Dana, we are childhood friends. I don't even know how long we have known each other, but my mom told me since diaper days. You always help me when I'm sad and your their when I need you. Your also my dancing buddy and speak to me. Oh, and for the fat ass Tiff. You actually care for me which makes me happy. I learned that love comes and goes, but never really leaves. It will always be there and won't be like the next love you have. Me, I hold the love I actually care about in my heart in a small spot. I don't regret anything I have done in the past five months, but I have learned a valuable lesson from all the things that have happened to me. I learned that girls, even how nice they are, USUALLY don't know what they want 'til they are older, and I believe that. Oh, and people. If you EVER get into a relationship and you care for that person a lot, please stop your flirting. I know all people love to flirt. Who doesn't? I asked a few friends what's the difference between a close friendship and a relationship? The difference is that you in a close friendship you can still flirt and nothing bad will happen, but in a relationship you stop flirting and focus on that person only. You stop flirting. Period. Even if you think you are still a "kid" you still stop. Once you get into a relationship that isn't kid shit. You step up to the step to accept or ask somebody to be in a relationship you step away from kiddy land and enter into the world of boyfriend and girlfriend. If you feel you can't stop your flirting, get out of the relationship before you end up hurting the person. Well, I think that is all that is on my mind right now. I love you all. No matter what you did to me. I don't hate anyone. -drewkiimon

Selfishness

I just wanted to say something about all of us that I have learned over the past months. I learned that all humans are selfish. All of us know we are selfish, even if you don't like thinking about it, we all are. Only a hand full of people will go through suffering and throw away how they feel to make others happy. That's what I have done. I threw away how I feel to make someone else happy and it got me no where. So my advice is to have fun in life, and it might sound stupid, but be selfish. In the beginning we all come into this crazy world and we all leave alone. If someone was about to die that you loved and you would give up your life for theirs you know you wouldn't actually do it because you wouldn't want to live without that person. So if you were to give your life for that person, you would still go on without that person and they would have to live the rest of their life knowing that they caused someone to take their life to let them live. I know all that I'm talking about right now will end up being bullshit in the future when my mind changes. All of us change, just like the land and our technology. I think the thing we all need to remember is what really matters. Being happy, being close to friends and family, and doing what makes YOU function. I think this is all confusing to a lot of people. Ugh. I just wish that time would go by faster. "There's no point in begging though since it wont change anything." Well, that quote is a good quote from somebody I know. Guys and girls, don't break peoples heart. That's all I got to say today.