What have I done?

Well everyone I've done it. I have done thing thing I have never wanted to do. I hurt the person I love. I am causing all these bad things to happen and I feel like shit, and I should feel like shit. I feel like scum. If you hurt the person you have or had feelings for your basically saying your an asshole. That's exactly what I have done though! I feel terrible since I'm causing her stress and she's sick. She really doesn't need this right now. She doesn't and I feel terrible. I just want her to feel better and be happy, but I think the only way for that to happen is if I get out of her life. I really don't want to get out of her life because I still do love her. If you truly do love somebody 110% you should be willing to let go of everything that person has done to you and get on with your future. I still do love her so much. I want her to get better soon, but I don't want to step out of her life. I still want to be her friend and maybe best friend one day. Just at this moment in time if I don't stop talking to her I'm just going to cause her more pain and cause more pain to myself. My friend I have been talking to lately says maybe I need to see her in person one more time to let go. See her one more time so that I can tell her all the things I'm feeling face to face. This sounds like something she said to me around our 3 month anniversary. When she had to meet her past love at the mall. I am starting to think I am like him. He was suicidal for a while to talking about how he was going to kill himself with carbon monoxide and stuff. Ugh. I just want to still be her friend, and maybe one day we can be together again. I have fucked up everything so mad though. EVERYTHING! I have destroyed everything we had. I texted her the night after we broke up. I was talking to her on the phone and by the end of the night everything was fine. I texted her saying I loved her and I was sorry for everything I have done. She replied by telling me she still loved me and cared for me still. Last night though we were talking and everything was fine by the end of the night. I texted her that I loved her. She never replied back. That got me. It's stupid how little things get me. Like when she changed her myspace so quick and how she seemed so happy after the break up. Why am I like this? I need to change myself. I need to think more before I say or do something. I don't want to fuck up more in my life. I just want to be happy. I really REALLY want to be happy. I know to be happy I have to let her go, but then I can't because I still want to be her friend. If we are just friends I know I'm always going to love her and it will hurt me because I know she won't love me like I love her. Life... Life is just so difficult. There is pain, love, jealousy, and all these different emotions in it that build us and destroy us. Right now. Where I stand. I think that all emotions are diseases of the heart. All emotions people feel usually end up hurting them. Like... Hate. Hate grows into strong, negative feelings towards somebody and no matter how bad you try to keep it to yourself your going to tell somebody one day and they are going to spill the beans then drama will happen. You might love a person the get jealous because they danced with somebody else or they have emotions towards somebody else. That emotion destroyed me. I am so dumb. That is what infects me. Jealousy. I need to just stop. If I don't rid this infection I will never go anywhere in a relationship. Am I really jealous though or do I just want things to last forever? I really don't know. The bottom line though to this is that I am sorry. I am sorry to you (you know who you are). I am sorry I am causing you all this pain and all this stress. I am sorry I have brought this to far. I really am. I won't hurt myself anymore, or I will try not to. If I keep thinking about you I'm going to keep getting hurt. Maybe we do need to see each other one more time. Even though I really don't want to since I know I'm going to be tempted to give you a hug and kiss I know it will help me move on. It is going to be one of the hardest things in my life to do. Well. I'm done talking about how pitiful I am. I hope you understand where I am coming from. Don't stop being beautiful. -drewkiimon